All My Relations

December 10, 2008

Everything in life is a “relationship” of one kind or another. The kind of relationship(s) people often seem most interested in reading, writing, talking, thinking, and (day)dreaming about, whether they “have” one or not) tends to be “romantic” in nature. But there are MANY other relationships of significance to consider, develop, and nurture (or, at the very least, not neglect) – that affect any “romantic” relationship (with our “significant others”). Most important among these is, obviously, the relationship we have with ourselves.

How and what we think of ourselves is often an outcome of the kind of relationship(s) we have with our family, friends and work (to name just a few). It’s almost impossible to not be affected in some way by our environment and those around us. Even if we do not have a pet, we all have some kind of “relationship” with other life on this planet, and for that matter, with the planet itself. Even when we don’t feel it or want to be, all of us are still interconnected and in some kind of relationship with each other and everything else.

Most of the “problems” in our lives and in the world are the result of some relationship not “working” (for all).

Please think about, and do, what is in the best interest of ALL your relations(on a regular basis). YOU, and ALL your relationships, are more important than you may realize. What you do, or don’t do, (eventually) affects all the rest of us (in some way) as well.

Perception is usually projection. Our “outer world” tends to be a (fairly “direct”) reflection of our “inner” (mental, emotional, and “spiritual”) world. Instead of either focusing on whether someone ELSE is the “right” person, we might be “better off” focusing on whether WE are the “right” person.

A lot of people today talk about the Laws of Attraction and Deservingness – as if they existed in a vacuum. A quick look around the world, around your neighborhood, or even just around wherever you are at the moment, will probably reveal some “relationship” in need of attention, repair, or some improvement.

Feng shui (Chinese for “wind” and “water”), “Fiz Om” (“putting fizz in your biz and om in your home”), and various other systems of “geomancy”, attempt to “optimize” and/or “harmonize” our physical (and social) environment – as well as what and how we think and react regarding them. Our surroundings and spacial relationships determine how we organize our thoughts, movement, and energy – as well as how close/far we let others “in”, regardless of how much “room” there may actually be.

How we view, experience, “use”, or “occupy” (personal) “space” (including our own bodies) can vary considerably, not only from person to person, but also from situation to situation. Speaking of circumstances, we also have (significant) relationships to “time”. It’s often more appropriate to ask, “when are you?” instead of, “where are you?” since few people are really “present” at any given time (physically or temporarily). Most people are thinking about the past or future far more than “being” in the moment.

All relationships provide an opportunity to learn and grow (often in ways that we never could without them). The “best” relationships are usually those with lots of love. The desire to give and receive love is among one of the strongest most people have. Some sing that it is what the world needs now (although I think kindness is actually what is needed more), others suggest that it is what makes the world go ’round (since money obviously doesn’t), but love can mean different things to different people. There are even people who subdivide love into different types or categories (depending on who or what is loves, how much and in what way). But I say that love, all love, is basically the same and something to freely give away and share with ALL our relations (as best we can at any particular moment). And just as, if not more importantly, it’s something to allow ourselves to receive, accept and appreciate (from others) – in whatever form(s) it may come.

At the beginning of 2009, after posting an index of blogs I had written on Myspace, I noticed the one that was being looked at most, even though it was way down the list, was one on “soul mates”. It seems that is what many people seek or desire most: a romantic love relationship with their soul mate. Whether they fulfill this desire or not, people are certainly capable of loving a LOT of others – without diminishing what they feel for anyone else in the process.

Most people can and do love their children, parents, siblings, pets, God, country, and if they are lucky, their jobs, all sorts of other people, places, activities, and experiences in addition to their (current) life “partner”. Love is like light. It is a pure form of unlimited energy. Like the cells in your body and many other things in life, it multiplies and grows,rather than diminishes, by “division”. A candle can share its flame and light an infinite number of other candles without its own flame growing smaller itself. The result is more light, rather than less. So spread your love around freely. You obviously may not want, or be able, to express and show your love the same way with everyone, but the more you share it, the more love there will be in the world – eventually flowing back to you.

Intimacy is also possible with more than one person. Like sleeping, intimacy is not the same thing as sex. The main difference between “just friends” and something “more” is sex. In many ways the IDEAL love relationship for most people is probably some form of (committed) “friends with benefits”. One of the main reasons many people are not friends after a “love” relationship (with sex) “ends” is because they were never really”friends” to being with. Love, sex and marriage don’t necessarily “go together”, although it certainly is “best” when they all do (at the same time with the same people). Sharing love widely may be good, but sharing it deeply (with the same person) is even better.

The type(s) of relationship people usually associate with romantic/sexual/intimate love consists of attraction, romance, passion, intimacy, and commitment. While it may not be constant, it certainly is possible to continually “make love” (in and out of bed) in multiple ways – with the right partner(s). Expressing and feeling love can be addictive and as is the release and uptake of oxytocin and dopamine in our bodies that usually accompany it.

Without sufficient love in our lives we will wither and die. Don’t be stingy – especially with yourself!

Just as Earth orbits the sun and the moon orbits Earth, people sometimes “orbit” each other – if the attraction is strong enough.

The expression “falling in love” seems to be a common way of thinking/talking about love that certainly would “floor” most people –and leave many of those who trip and stumble unable to get up, recover,and move on – together. The only direction most people ever fall is down, which may be why when things don’t work out they feel like they are in the “pit of despair”. ‘Falling’ implies being out of control and at the mercy of gravity. Perhaps that is why people use the phrase.

Attraction certainly is NOT a “choice”, but the idea of “falling”doesn’t really allow for love (or people) to “grow” (together). R. Buckminster “Bucky” Fuller came up with a phrase I like better – “orbiting in love” – to describe attraction so strong between two individuals that they each begin to turn/rotate/orbit around each other, creating a common center/locus/focus/place of reference (that defines their relationship).

Some people only turn our heads, while others turn our whole world “upside down” and/or help make it “go ’round”. You can spin in any direction – including out of control. Given a choice, I’d rather go around in circles (or better yet, spiral upward, and grow closer together) than just fall (down). I’d also usually rather roll around in bed than on the floor (whether alone or with someone I love). On the other hand, I HAVE gone “weak in the knees” (near a woman and almost fallen “head over heals”, so maybe”falling” in love, lust, or even just the dust, might sometimes be an”accurate” way to describe the feeling/experience/event. “Orbiting” is just more “sustainable”.

So, now, having come almost “full circle”, acknowledging all my relations and the need to (first) be “right person”, I, too, seek and desire someone “special” to share my life with. There seems to be an abundant supply of beautiful, AMAZING, desirable women in the world, and yet I have not(yet) found my “orbit”. In addition to (just) “orbiting”, love is also something I’d like to “make” (often), nurture, and grow in.

The only “good” reason for ANYONE to ever get together with ANYONE else is that in some way they are (each) “BETTER” together than apart. Otherwise, obviously, they are (each) better apart – and would be better staying that way. The challenge is realizing this at any given time.

Statistically, the more times someone has been married the less chance they have of staying that way in the future. I have already been married (and divorced) twice, which isn’t exactly the track record/outcome I had hoped for going into either. Yet, there is the claim that “the third time is the charm.” I hope it is for me! I’d welcome a long and happy (married) life together with someone who brings out the “best” in me and allows me to do the same for her.

Many women seem to want to “date” – and complain about many men either just wanting sex or looking to get married, but not much in between. I’m not sure if the “problem” (with different needs, desires and expectations) is (more) with men or women, but there does seem to be some truth to this. I’m certainly much more interested in a potential “partnership” than (just) a “date”. I don’t mind someone to go out with and have fun, either once, or on an ongoing basis, but it’s someone to come home to that matters more to me. Sharing an evening can be fun/worthwhile and I certainly may be open to it, but again, it’s sharing a life (together) that really appeals to me. I enjoy meeting and getting to know new people, but I’d rather not “date” at all. I desire a (more meaningful) “relationship” (whatever that means).

The most common denominator between all my past, present, and potential future relationships (and whatever is “missing” or “not working” in my life now) is ME – so that’s probably the relationship I (still) need to “focus on” (and “improve”) most. My oldest son once told me (as he was leaving) that he didn’t enjoy being around me. That hurt; but not as much as my not being able to leave, too. I’ve (still) got to be with me my whole life – even when I’m not at my “best” and/or when my “best” isn’t “good enough” – as apparently was the case that day.

Although people (who don’t live with me or know me that well) seem to like me – and even invite me to things, I spend far more time “alone” (even in groups) than I’d prefer. I think almost everything in life is better when it is shared, including “self-development”. I would LOVE a (“permanent”) partner to learn, share, grow, play, laugh, and explore (together) with. If you think YOU (or someone you know) might be a “good match” for me, PLEASE let me know.

What relationships are most important to YOU right now? What are you doing to make them “better”?

© 2008 – 2015, Oren Pardes. All rights reserved.

One Response to “All My Relations”

  1. Changing, nurturing and (hopefully) “improving” your relationships, especially with yourself, is “work” worth doing – but it’s also important to accept and embrace who you are at any given time, as well.

    To a large extent, perception is projection. What we see is what we are. Others are mirrors for us. We often love others not only for who/what they are, but who/what we are with them. “Shopping” or compiling a “laundry list” (of either “must haves” or “deal breakers” is often recommended) – but what we consciously think we want is often different from our subconscious desires and reactions – or what may be “best” for us. I also try to keep in mind the famous line from the film Fools Rush In, “You’re everything I never knew I wanted” and allow for things I may not have ever thought of to possibly be more important than whatever may be on the “list”. Mutuality is also a big factor to consider. It is very possible to be attracted to or love someone who does not reciprocate – which kind of indicates that person probably not being the ideal “choice”. A lot of people claim that whatever we are looking for is also looking for us and that eventually we will meet. What happens after that is not clear. May we each find those that are best for us. And of course, some people advocate that “if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you are with” – “because in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.”

    What we see (or perceive) is affected by our awareness, experience, beliefs – and our filter/lens/what we are looking for. Opposites are sometimes complimentary – and thus desirable. At the very least, they offer an opportunity to experience and learn a LOT that we might not otherwise. Sometimes both opposites and what we desire/attract are really just our shadow: unacknowledged parts of ourselves. People often are just mirrors for each other. Those we admire and those we detest are reflecting aspects of ourselves that are either not developed or accepted and integrated. Hmmm. I wonder what my finding most women absolutely gorgeous means. I don’t exactly have a track record of “ideal” relationships with women, but I sure do tend to think most are incredibly beautiful (inside and out)….

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