Needs – of men (by women)

July 8, 2011

A man’s desire to feel “needed” (especially by a woman) has nothing to do with co-dependency – or either of them being “needy”. Women who regard men as “unnecessary luxuries” are often likely to end up without the “luxury” of what they “don’t need”.

Unlike “luxuries”, ‎”necessities” are “necessary”, “essential”, and “needed” – whether they are actually “wanted” or not. To “want” means to “lack”. A list of desires is best when it includes not just what may be “lacking” but also what is not – for it to remain (and not later be “missing” what was “lost”). People often aren’t even aware of what they’ve got until it’s gone. Men, in particular, seldom like to be taken for granted or not feel they are appreciated – especially by a woman they are with. Men who can be “taken or left” will often leave on their own – whether “wanted” (by the woman) or not. There “needs” to be a “reason” or “purpose” for a man to be there and to stay. Unlike for women, feeling “needed” (in SOME way) is a “CORE need” for ALL men!

It is often “enough” for many men to “just” be the “cream” in a woman’s “coffee” or the “icing” on her “cake” – IF that “completes” it. The main point is that the man know that the woman’s experience would be as good or desired without his presence (even if it is not actually “required”). When considered only “optional”, it is very likely that most men will (eventually) “opt out”. If drinking coffee black and eating cake plain is just fine and acceptable, that’s very likely how a women will get them – more often than she may “prefer” (or “expect”).

A man seldom leaves a woman because she is not “interesting” or even “attractive” (enough), but he often will if he does not feel good about himself when with her. How she views and treats him affects how most men feel far more than most women know. Men do NOT desire to feel like they are “merely” a “luxury” – no matter how enjoyed – that could easily be done without. Both men and women like to feel that they are “important” to and valued by someone else – but men actually NEED to feel accepted, appreciated, and that they (really) make a difference (or they will soon start to seek out where they might be).

Rather than seeking their “other half” or thinking of either themselves or whoever they desire to be with as “less than” or “incomplete” without a “mate”, both men and women would do better seeing themselves as “holons” – “whole parts” of something greater and more than either can be alone. Everything in the universe is essentially: a relationship, an aspect of energy, and a holon – made up of other holons.

While people may be fine alone and apart, they are often much better together. Synergy is not possible without someone else. Some women seem to resist (and resent?) talking about “needs”, “needing”, and who or what is “needed”. Not all women need, or even desire, a man in their life – but even gay men benefit from having a woman in theirs. Life is inherently female in nature by “default”. Males would not (continue to) exist if they were not needed (by at least some females). Contrary to what many women seem to believe, “needing” a man is not a weakness – but often a source of strength and synergy for both.

That’s my perspective. What’s yours?

© 2011 – 2016, Oren Pardes. All rights reserved.

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